Fortunately there are moments where I feel life's loving connection, mainly through my children and especially through my toddler with Down syndrome. She lives in the moment, with such joy and I envy her. I'm so grateful to have her in my life. She's my angel, my teacher. My children need to see and know a mother that is genuinely happy, strong, loving, patient and successful in life. For their sake (as well as mine) I can't waste another minute living this way. I've got to figure out how to shed the belief systems that have been holding me back. This isn't a thought that just occurred to me - I've felt this need to change my life for most of the adult portion of it. Over the years my hard drive has become so corrupt and I need to wipe it out, reprogram it, reinstall the software, remove the bugs. At least I need to learn how to think new thoughts, create new belief systems and kick the crap to the curb.
So, is this possible? Can someone change who they are into who they want to be this far along in life? God, I hope so. I'm counting on it. But I do know I need a plan of attack, a project plan so to speak. I need to have goals established, tasks assigned and create status reports (aka blogs) to hold myself accountable. Most of all I need an agenda. The daily subject is heal thyself. Agenda items will include breaking down the overall vision statement into goals, create manageable tasks that support these goals, determine a timeline and assign the work. So this is step one. I'm acknowledging my desire to live a life where I am present and whole. I'm announcing to the world (okay, maybe just myself in cyberspace which is okay with me if I get results) that I am ready to go to work.
I've already started some work, precipitated by the awful summer our family just had. I'm seeking grief counseling for the loss of my stillborn son. I'm facing where I am in this life, how I got here and how I'm going to get out because my grief is deeper than just the loss of my little man. I'm grieving the loss of the life I thought I would have and the person I should be by now. I wish my 80+ year old, wise self could speak to me, share her wisdom, tell me how to not waste another moment of this precious life, shake me and tell me just how beautiful I am right now. I want to know how to be a great parent to my girls, a great sister, daughter, wife, friend. Since that isn't possible (at least that I know of!), I'm going to try to figure out what she would say to me if she could.
Monday is day 1 of this journey - at least officially. I've got a little time to think about where to begin first. There will be lots of reading and learning from those folks I believe get IT. I figure if I make creating a fabulous life my number one goal, only great things can happen for me and all of those people I love who need me to be my best. I aspire to be at peace, to be present, to be aware, to be evolved, to be saved, to be love, to be enlightened. That's not so much to ask, is it? Okay, I know it's big, but I need a great challenge in my life to make it worth the battle. And I want to be able to help others from what I learn on this journey. So here's to showing up in my new life and creating a new me. Here's to reinventing Julie. Hold on - I have a feeling it's going to be a bumpy ride....
